Innocence

There is truly nothing in this world like the love you feel for a child. They are a reflection of hope and dreams and what life is about. Their innocence is so pure. If there is truly anywhere on Earth that you see a form of God, it's in the eyes of a child.

Something happens in life that hardens you as you get older. Maturity. Along with maturity comes life's disappointments, heartbreaks, losses, and so much more. You learn from these events and you either choose to rise above them or stay the victim they once made you.

I see life happening to my daughter Lily and I can't stop it. It is the hardest thing I have to face as a parent. I can't stop her little body from fighting against itself. First, with Type 1 diabetes and now with Celiac Disease. She has become stronger for it and for that, I am proud. She has maintained a positive attitude all through this. I am the one falling apart piece by piece. She doesn't know this and she never will. It's a sense of failure that I have. It is beyond my control to put an end to the constant disease in her life. All I can do is show her that this is not the end of the world (it's just a diet change) and that she will be healthier because of it. What is breaking my heart is the fact that this is one more thing to add to her little life plate forever. Forever. I hate that word...it's part of the constant stream in my head. Forever. Fuck you forever. We need to find cures for these diseases.

There is a poem that floats around Facebook periodically about God choosing a child to have diabetes and giving that child the perfect mother to care for her. People find comfort in these words and this idea that God gave their child diabetes. My God doesn't hand out diseases to innocent children. What about the children that have diabetes that don't have parents? Or live somewhere that insulin is not readily available? Did God say "Screw you child...you will be the one to suffer. You don't deserve the perfect mother." It makes no sense to me. Children get diseases as a direct result of life on Earth. It's part of the process of living but Lily was not chosen to fight this disease every day forever by our God. I don't believe that for a second. However...God gave us the strength and will to live a happy life and rise above these diseases.

Life is happening to Lily. At a rapid rate. She is 9 years old. She is starting to experience being left out with friends frequently. She has had to endure the loss of a possible little sister (I'm not quite ready for that post yet). She has been through two diagnoses of diseases. She is learning where to put those feelings she has about this and how to articulate them. All I can do is listen and help guide her. I don't want her to suppress anything. I did for years and years and still struggle not to do so now. With the diabetes diagnosis, I cried once for about a minute and then I plowed forward. The mourning didn't catch up with me for three years after another traumatic life event. This time, I am acknowledging my feeling of loss and fear and I am accepting it, allowing it, and with every day...moving past it. I don't want her heart weighted down.

Yes, I look into my child's eyes and I see the innocence fading some. I guess all parents do regardless of disease or heartache or anything else. It's growing up. It's inevitable and it's a beautiful and sad thing for a mother.