Balance

Words. My head is a constant stream of thought. It is exhausting and empowering and passionate and therapeutic. I have taken breaks from writing and as always, I reach a point of explosiveness and I do what I always do, turn to words. It's the only way to calm the storm.

I don't make decisions well. I teeter-totter through the thought process. I can convince myself that every possible view is the right one. It isn't usually until I sit down and write about it that I get clarity. I feel like I am constantly looking for the perfect recipe for my life. The perfect balance between work, family, love, leisure, and everything else. As soon as I think I have my happy spot and I have everything in just the right measurements, something shifts. Life throws something at me that throws me off balance. Then the searching begins again for the perfect recipe.

I have written my entire life. It is ingrained in every ounce of my being. I have a box of journals in my garage. I started when I could start writing. It is so enlightening to read through my childhood journals. I have been able to read through journals that described in detail my every thought about my parents marriage that ultimately led to their divorce. I have a true glimpse into my relationship with my sister and how much I looked up to her...and needed her. There are endless words about friendships and just growing up. It has made me remember everything with more clarity and it has helped me understand how I became who I am. What a gift I gave to myself.

So I sit here writing again. Another balance shift in our lives. I know things are going to be okay. I have never fallen and not gotten up. I have never watched someone I love fall and not helped them up. It's not an option. Things will be okay. But it's another shift. It's another thing to learn and accept and conquer. So, I take to words to help me release some of the worry and angst.

Celiac Disease. These words are the constant stream for now. I am not able to balance until I know for sure that this is our new normal...until I know for sure that Lily is okay with all of this. Only time will tell and for now all I can do is wait until all of the testing is complete and at that point, I can work on finding the balance again.