People die. It is part of life. We spend our lives trying to live to the fullest so that when we do die, we have no regrets and have left our mark. I try not to be morbid. I try not to let my imagination go wild on me and play out all of the scenarios of losing our battle to diabetes. I do a pretty good job of this but sometimes, those fears creep in and take over my thoughts. The truth is there is something called Dead In Bed with diabetics. They just die for no reason that is known as of yet. There is a fear of Lily dropping too low and having a seizure. I am aware of all of these and honestly, I go days and months without it bothering me or being overly fearful of this. The statistics of this actually happening are on our side. Like I said before, there are times that my imagination goes astray. It is usually when she is not under my roof that this happens. It's a fear of not having her here to care for. So what should be a night of fun, a sleepover party, is a night that includes some fear. What if tonight is the night that something happens? My mind goes there. It is too painful and I bring it back.
I can't imagine just dropping my child off at someone's house to spend the night and just going on about my night. It's such a far reality from our life. So when I couldn't reach her this morning....the fear took over completely. I think I woke the entire house up where she was. Early. I had to though. What if she wasn't okay?
Imagination can be cruel. The thoughts that go on behind these closed doors are haunting and desperate. They are cruel and well, unimaginable. But they are real. They are part of the life of a mother of a diabetic child. Luckily, they don't visit me often and they leave as soon as they come. And now my baby is here in my house. Under my roof. Safe and breathing life as we speak. Life is good and precious and fragile and I love every second of it with her here by my side.
How cute is she to send me this picture so I know how big the pizza is when I'm not there?
No comments:
Post a Comment