Happy 2011!!!





I started writing this blog to share my experiences with diabetes, to share the company I had started, Meal Mommy, and to share my life in general. I love to write. I find it very therapeutic. I find it to be an outlet. I find that I like to be honest and raw. I don't like the fluff...it's not for me. I am who I am and I am not ashamed of it. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I wear them proudly. As I have said before, I am an open book and what you see is what you get. But this blog has turned out to be a little more intimate than I had expected and I honestly didn't think a soul was reading it. I thought the only people that might even click on it were friends in the DOC. And I have gotten so much support from them, it's unreal. And nothing has ever been said in here that has not been shared with my loved ones.

Over the last month or so I have gotten countless emails from old friends to friends that I have yet to meet, all being supportive and somehow relating to something that I have written. It has been both wonderful and inspiring to hear from these people. Most appreciate the honesty. Some think I am too honest and that I share too much information for the world to see. I don't share every thought, I promise you. MANY thoughts are left for me and me alone. Many memories are sacred. To me, this is a general idea of what I am going through and how I am feeling.

I don't know what kind of perception people are getting from me...strong or weak, rational or irrational, level-headed or head in the clouds, stable or unstable. Well, let me clarify...I am strong, I am rational, my head is firmly on my shoulders where it always remains to be and I am probably the most stable person you will ever come across. I am certain of who I am and what I stand for. I am certain of the choices I am making and I am making them with my family's best interests at heart. I am not afraid to be alone or to do things on my own. I do not need anyone to take care of me financially or otherwise. I will remain to be optimistic and positive and I will remain to give love a chance...at whatever point in my life I am in. I am a very well-educated, ambitious, intelligent, and independent woman...who can think for herself. What I write on here are merely obstacles I am facing in my life that I have chosen to share. They are ways that I wish to grow as a person in general. That's all.

With all of that said, I have left myself open to be judged by my candidness. And that is never fun. So, I think I am going to tone down the blog in the New Year...and if you are uncomfortable reading about my thoughts...don't read them.

Speaking of New Year's, I plan on spending New Year's Eve with my beautiful sister at the neighborhood bar listening to the drag queens sing Karaoke. Now there is NOTHING vanilla about that! Happy New Year!

My Resolutions for 2011

1. Have more "floor time" with the girls
2. Learn to go at a slower pace
3. Get back to my healthier eating habits
4. Get Lily's numbers back on track
5. Get my ass back in the gym...was always a passion and never a chore

The Damn Rain...

It's raining outside. And not the pretty, relaxing, lay in bed kind of rain. The dark, gloomy, uncertain kind of rain. I hate it. I have this HUGE window in my office so I can't even escape it today. And I can't escape my thoughts either. The damn rain.

The girls got home at 6:30. Eric's girlfriend was texting me throughout the trip to let me know their whereabouts. When the dogs started barking, I ran around to the front door and saw the top of a brown head of hair through the window. I opened the door and threw my arms around Lilyboo. She was so soft and squishy and squeezable. That moment, when I first put my arms around her, were priceless...there are no words for what a mommy feels at that moment. Abby was still in the car. I ran outside to get her and she, of course, flew from the driver's seat and was airborne into my arms. She is so tiny, I could wrap my arms around her four times! I always bury my face in Abby's red hair. I just love it. I was so excited to see them! So excited...

So, we ate dinner, snuggled up on the couch and watched cartoons. Then, they crawled into my bed and slept with me throughout the night. I was up at 11, 2, and 4 checking Lily's numbers. I am exhausted today but still on my reunion high. Lily's numbers are not in control at all. I am so worried about her being so high this past week. What if it is doing damage to her little organs? Her beautiful brown eyes? Ugh...I can't go there. I can't even bring my mind there. I fight every second of every day to NOT go there. So much of what I do everyday, things I obsess over, are a method of forgetting...trying to quiet the music that diabetes is...just for a minute even. When you see someone like me on the outside, all looks well. I am very put together, I am smiling, and I am at ease. Some of the time though, like today, I am fighting myself...fighting my thoughts that are battling in my head...over and over and over again. I could have stayed in bed this morning squished between my two babies all day long. Just feeling their little bodies next to me and hearing their breathing. It is so calming.

And to top it all off...I have not been on my best behavior in the romantic area...again. Thank God I have the most patient man in my life. What started off as a friendship rekindled, an outsider giving me advice on how to cope, turned into something much more and very unexpected. And it has been hard and will continue to be hard but it's worth the struggle in the end. He is teaching me so much.

I am trying to learn more control. I don't mean control as in controlling others...I have that down pretty damn good. LOL. I mean control of myself. As my boyfriend always says, I know what I want and I go for it...a lot of times without thinking first. And I go for it with such strength and passion that it can be overwhelming at times. So, today, I am trying to gain control of my thoughts and my emotions. I am trying to learn to be patient, to not worry so much, and to not try SO hard to see the future. I am trying to figure out how to just let things happen...let life happen and see where it takes me...and us. I am on auto-pilot most of the time and I need to learn to go into manual drive. Trying to slow things down...in my life...is like putting me in restraints. I need to flail and complain and freak out before I can actually breathe and relax. Ahhhhh. I am learning so much from the people in my life right now and I so appreciate it.

Good Golly the Girls are Coming!!!!

I don't think I've been this excited since I was little and believed in Santa Claus! My babies are on their way home! I cannot wait to put my arms around their little bodies and smother them with kisses. They might just have to sleep with me tonight so I can just eat up every second with them. Big sigh....this is the longest time I have ever spent without them. One whole week...7 days...168 hours...that is too friggin long! I need to breathe. I am just sooooo excited!

A love for your child is such a different kind of love. They consume me. They are my every waking thought. They are the reason for every tiny decision I make daily. They make you humble yet confident, powerless yet strong...it is such a different kind of love from that of a romantic love. I become both a ball of mush when I look at them and a fierce lioness when I want to protect them. Well, I guess maybe that is somewhat the same as any kind of love?!? I definitely feel that way with my "other" as well.

I am anxious to see how Lily's numbers have been too. I have been in touch with them throughout the week but it has been very hectic to talk with the girls or Eric. They are having a blast at his girlfriend's parents' farm. They have had tons of outside time and done nothing but play. I am so happy they were able to go. Otherwise, they would be here sitting around with a sitter while I am at work...and well, that's just no fun at all. And the little break I got allowed me time to spend with the boyfriend and we were able to figure some things out, make plans, get organized, etc. So, as usual, life worked out the way it was supposed to.

So, I can barely sit in my chair and I have work to do! I wonder how far along they are in their drive? I wonder what time they'll be home? I wonder how long I will stare out the front window waiting to see their car? I wonder how long they will let me hug them before they make a bee line for their toys? :)

Love is a funny thing...

Life is a funny thing. We spend so much time wondering WHY things happen? It seems so important to find meaning in every event we go through. Is there really meaning behind all that happens though? Why ask why? Why not just accept that things have happened and move on? Is that possible? Why did I end up single? Why did Lily get diabetes? Why can't someone let someone else go? Why didn't I notice my boyfriend so many years ago in high school? And why was he brought back in to my life now? Why???

I was telling him this weekend that I just don't get why a harder path is always chosen? It seems like the easy way of doing things is just not appealing. I can remember telling Eric that my boyfriend lived in Arizona. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He said, "Why would you pick someone who doesn't live here? Why are you making it so hard on yourself?" Well, I still have no answer. I have no answer other than it feels right. More right than anything. Does that make it any easier? No, it does not. In fact, it gets harder and harder to leave with every visit.

So, I find myself asking, is this meant to be? Do we uproot our lives we know for each other so we can be together? Only time will tell. And I am not a patient person so this has been a struggle for me. I am an agressor. I do things at lightning speeds. I have the rare ability of having a feeling or thought, completely trusting in that feeling or thought, and running with it...without looking back. And I have no regrets. I can't change things so what is the point of regretting them?

I know heartbreak well. I have experienced this several times in my life. It is a process: 1) ball your eyes out until they don't open. 2) be in denial 3) mourn the relationship for a couple of weeks 4) get off of your ass and get your life back. My stepmom told me 2 weeks is really the maximum amount of time to mourn something and have your pity party. Otherwise, it is too hard to pick up the pieces. Too much time has gone by. So, after my first heartbreak in college at 19, I took her advice. I moved on. My boyfriend at the time did not treat me well and was unfaithful. I allowed him back in my life several times over the next few years. And guess what...he broke my heart again each time. Why? Because I let him. I had no self-esteem, no confidence, and did not know my self-worth. But now, as a grown woman and mother...I am strong...I am confident...I am unafraid...and I know what I am worth. So, I am more protective of myself and my children. I think that repairing a betrayal of yourself is far much worse than repairing the end of a relationship. If things don't go as planned in my life, I will add another patch to my quilt and I will start living again.

So, that leaves me where I am today. My heart is full, my heart is strong, my heart is in the right place. But only time will tell where life is going to take my heart...and whether or not it will be in one piece when I get there.

Merry Christmas...

It has been a bit of a bittersweet Christmas. I spent the holiday in AZ with the boyfriend which was great...it was our first Christmas together and we are having a great time, enjoying each other's company. We put the tree up together, made Christmas dinner, saw a movie, hung out with friends, etc, etc.


The girls spent Christmas in Oklahoma with Eric and his girlfriend and her daughter. I got to speak to them this morning and they are having the time of their lives. I was SO happy to hear this but GOD do I miss them. I guess this is the hard part...not having them every holiday. I had assumed since the girls are Jewish that I would always get Christmas but I guess that's not the case. Next year...there is always next year.

Lily is still doing her shots. We had to switch from the pen to the needles. She was not getting enough insulin and her numbers were really high. I would love to hear any ideas/suggestions on the Novopen Jr. That is what we were using and it doesn't appear to be working. When we give her insulin, there is some left on her skin so I am wondering if we got a faulty pen?!? The good news is that she is still referring to the shots as her "break" until her arms heal. So she hasn't yet started to try to get out of going back to the pump.

So I guess I should get back to my last night in AZ. I sure do enjoy my "alone time" but I miss my babies!!!

Merry Christmas everyone and I hope Santa was as good to you as he was to me! :)

The Refresher...

Well, I put Lily back on shots on Saturday AM after much deliberation. I lay in bed with her Friday night as she softly cried on my chest and told me she is tired of her pump and wants a break. She doesn't want to wear it on her tummy...it is uncomfortable and a constant reminder. She likes it on her arm, where her t shirts cover it. She was never concerned with her pump before or what people thought. She has had this for almost three years.

So, after she finally fell asleep, I lay staring at my ceiling for a really long time, putting myself in her little shoes. What must it be like to wear a machine every single second of your life...and have no control over any of your decisions...have no one listen to what it is that YOU are asking for. I kept thinking about the battles we have had this year with her diabetes gadgets. How she has actually been pretty patient waiting for us to come around and realize that she is just needing some time. I don't know why I had it so stuck in my head that she would not be okay on MDI (shots). She is still getting insulin. We can still treat her as if she is on a pump. She may get 10 shots a day but if it doesn't bother her right now, why should it bother me?

So, Saturday morning...at 6 AM...she woke me up and said, "Mommy can I look on your computer and see what those insulin pens look like?" I dragged my very tired self out of bed and showed her the sample pen the doc had given me on Friday and we looked up the Novopen Jr. She was really excited. So, I called Eric and we discussed it and that was it...I took her Pod off and gave her Lantus and Novolog. She didn't flinch, said it didn't hurt at all, and she was feeling very free to have her little body free of any machines stuck to her. What a feeling that must be! She has had something stuck in her skin permanently since March of 2008. Holy shit....that is a LONG time and she is only 7 so until there is a cure for diabetes...she is going to be stuck sticking herself regardless. A break will not kill her. It will not kill me. It will not kill Eric.

The only way I can explain the guilt you feel for giving up something that is "better" for your child in the long run is the same feeling as breastfeeding. When I quit breastfeeding, I was depressed from guilt for a couple of weeks. I felt like I was doing something very detrimental to my girls. And they were fine. And one still got diabetes. It's just the way of the world.

Now, the routine has changed A LOT. Lily is a happy little camper going on about her life...even wore a very short sleeved shirt on Sunday. I, on the other hand, have been a frenzied mess! I got to breakfast Saturday morning with no meter, but did have my entire packet the hospital gave me upon diagnosis. I couldn't remember the formulas for her insulin and I was used to having her pump act as her meter. I then got to lunch with no test strips. The list goes on and on and on. I put the wrong needle on the end of the new Novopen Jr. and dropped her off at Eric's. She was in the high 300's all day and was not getting insulin. He kept calling to tell me insulin was leaking. I kept telling him to go to the pharmacist and get a new pen! So, it was discovered there that there are TWO different kinds of needles for the pens (Lantus and Novolog). Who the hell knew? Not me...so, we will get it all straight. Her numbers will get in control...life will go on. It's just another day in the life with my precious little baby.

The Vanilla Life...

I was so thankful this morning when I logged on to my computer and saw messages from fellow D parents and PWDs all offering advice on Lily. I have been in a little rut again the last couple of days. It is hard to deal with all of the emotions going on in my life right now and if it's hard for me, I'm sure it's triple as hard for the girls. I really started this day out moping yet again and after reading everyone's messages...was immediately uplifted by this community of online families living with diabetes (aka the DOC).

I keep going back to feeling like I don't have much of a support system in place anymore. I always have my family for sure. And I have Carolyn (also divorced) but she is in Europe. And Matt is always there...but not HERE. So, while I have been down this week, I have noticed that I don't have a huge list of people that I WANT to call. I have become so much more guarded in the last few months with all that took place amongst my group of former friends. I am constanly reminded of the "vanilla life" I led for so many years. These women with no flavor. Sure they had great lives...great husbands who made a ton of money, big beautiful homes, 2.5 kids, the finest china, all of the latest trends, the ability to stay home...the perfect existence...in their eyes. But I was not happy. I am not a "vanilla" person. I have realized that it wasn't just my marriage that was making me unhappy but my surroundings as well. I have never needed a 5000 sf house since I much prefer something cozy and intimate. I enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner on paper plates every now and then with a huge group of people. I don't find anything wrong with throwing a party and using plastic plates. I don't feel the need to be prim and proper at any given time of day. And damnit...I drank beer from a bottle in my wedding dress, on my wedding day and that is OKAY. I have a horrible habit of cursing and sometimes I put my elbows on the table. I tend to laugh really loud and get the giggles where I cannot breathe, especially if my sister is anywhere near me. I have a wild side...one that has been sleeping for years and has slowly been awakened. I am not as conservative as I have spent years pretending to be. I am full of all kinds of flavors...vanilla may be one of those with some more traditional values...but it is not the only one.

As much as I love throwing on a dress and stilettos to have a nice dinner out on the town at the newest restaurant...my favorite night I have had all year is when my boyfriend made me the best steak and baked potato dinner and we ate on TV trays and watched "The Hangover." It was MY perfect existence.

So, in this upcoming year, I plan to FINALLY listen to my father and choose my friends rather than them choosing me. I may have a small support system right now in Houston but it consists of people that know ME and love ME...not who they want me to be.