Rambling Thoughts...

Men and women are so different. It's more than Mars and Venus. Women want what we seem to think are little things: affection, support, help around the house and with the kids, and love. Men want what they think is simple: financial security and freedom to be who they are. Women often define themselves by how they treat others, the accomplishments their family has made, how their relationship is going, etc. Men often define themselves by the level of their success.

So, tell me this...how the hell are we supposed to live peacefully and blissfully when we see the world in such different ways? I am trying really hard to learn to communicate better and not to get upset when I feel misunderstood or my boyfriend isn't responding to my excitement about something like I think he should. But it seems like an impossible feat. Men and women are SO different. Even as children, the little boys run like crazy, climb on everything, and stay in a constant state of dirty. Little girls are usually a bit more reserved and like to look fancy. I am speaking generally here, of course. It just never ceases to amaze me. I watch my girls play with boys and they just think and approach tasks in such a different manner!

I imagine all of these little souls living their lives all over the world...each one wanting to find that other little soul that makes them feel special and loved, and that they can shower with their affections. Once you find another little soul that you click with...there is a lot of learning and understanding and compromise that comes along with it. I used to believe in soul mates and now I believe in finding the perfect combination of love, passion, friendship, and respect. I think one of the most important aspects of a relationship is learning how to fight without hurt. That and as a friend pointed out, conflict resolution. It is very easy to go round and round with an argument...for years. I did it for ten years to be exact while married...without anything getting accomplished. This wise friend also pointed out that if two people don't argue ever in a relationship, someone is holding back and that is not healthy.

It feels good to be in a relationship with someone who allows me this exploration. He allows me to try to discover and realize HOW to be in a good relationship and he takes the journey with me. I'm sure I am not easy to figure out. At all. I am a woman, after all.

And on the diabetes front...I am still going to blog about diabetes, of course. It is a huge part of our life. I have just needed a little break lately. I've been seriously stressing about the working mommy guilt and school starting with a new regimen, all of the blue candles, etc. etc. etc. I was really scared to go to bed last night because Lily was only 142 and she had dropped some the night before. So, I got up every couple of hours and checked her after I adjusted her insulin. She was fine after the adjustments but I am exhausted to the core.

Please click on the link to vote for me for Top Mommy Blogs! Just a click is all!

Exciting week...

A few very cool things went on this week. One, I got to be on the Parents magazine website for a nomination for the Best All Around blog for moms. Just to be on their site is pretty darn cool...it's very hard to vote because they make you register but if you feel like voting, there is a big pink button to the right of this post. There are several blogs that raise awareness for type 1 diabetes, which is something my family lives with 24/7, so I am really hoping one of them wins!

Also, there is a site that I have been lurking on for a while called www.topmommyblogs.com I finally got the balls this week to fill out the request to be on their site. It is not something where you can just register your blog...there is criteria involved and someone actually takes a few days to scroll through your blog and make sure you are a fit. I got an email tonight that Meal Mommy was accepted!! I absolutely love to write and it's so fun for me to do this blog so this really meant a lot! So, this one is super easy to vote for since you don't have to register (and there are tons of cool blogs there!). You click on the button to the left and that's it! You have voted! I would certainly appreciate any votes you can swing my way over there too! It's not a competition, it's how you get featured.

Thirdly...and I am about to sound like a groupie, because I am...but my favorite blogger EVER read my blog and commented. I am still sitting on cloud 9 over here.

The last and NOT least very exciting thing is that Abby met her Kindergarten teacher today. My baby is going to Kindergarten. I am sure I will be posting Monday through many tears and wine. We also had the opportunity to meet the nurse for Lily and she was AMAZING. So, I am feeling a bit better about the transition to a new school with D in the mix.

Thanks for all of your support!

The Layers...

I was thinking today about one of Matt's first visits to Houston. It was beautiful outside...nice and chilly. I think it was around Thanksgiving. We were getting ready to meet some of my friends out and I came out of the bedroom all gussied up. I had on my jeggings and knee high boots, a pretty cowl neck sweater, hair all done and make up all done. I was feeling super sexy...like super sexy in a non-mommy way.

So, we have a great time and after lots of wine and good food, we come home. I start to get ready for bed and as I'm undressing...I noticed Matt just staring at me with a blank look on his face. I looked down at all of my layers. What was once the sexy, non-mommy outfit was not so much that anymore. Underneath that sweater was my Yummy Tummy tank to hold in the baby pouch. The jeggings are high-waisted and have an elastic waist to prevent, God willing, a muffin top. The bottom of the jeggings actually have stirrups so that my jeans stay in my boots. And I had on knee socks. The mommy outfit on crack. I looked at Matt and said something like, "It just gets sexier and sexier with each layer, doesn't it?"

Gone were the moments of matching lingerie. This was the real me, trying to capture my youth (or at least my youth's non mommy body). I made more of an effort after that day to try to look on the outside of my clothes like I do underneath my clothes. Matt loves me for more than my looks. He knows I am not perfect. He knows there are flaws, and rolls, and dimples, and whatever else living has done to me. Men are more okay with our bodies than we are. They have peeled away the layers much before we have and seen what is actually underneath... true beauty.

The New Lookie Loo...

Well, since I tend to write more about just life in general...I decided to give Meal Mommy a new lookie loo. After all it is simple...life is complicated. There is so much more to our crazy little world than just Lily's diabetes. It is our background music, as I have said before, but there is so much more to us!

I have my 20 year high school reunion in a couple of months. TWENTY YEARS. I never even thought I'd say I have done something for 20 years as that makes me feel old. So, I bought this cute dress. I came home, dusted off the treadmill and ran, and I restocked my face moisturizer. I should have been doing the latter two for the last twenty years but oh well.

Where has time gone? I see my life in segments.

1. Early Childhood (the Germany years)
2. Elementary School and Alabama
3. The Reston Years (5th-12th grade)
4. Aggie Life (Texas A&M and the craziest time)
5. Tampa (a runaway moment that lasted two years)
6. Single in Houston (this is hazy)
7. Marriage
8. Children (Best time yet)
9. Divorce
10. Post Divorce learning and love (where I am now)

When I left high school, I really left. My parents were in the throes of their divorce and it was not a good time for me so I turned my back and moved to Texas. I didn't keep in touch and I didn't go back but three times since then. It was hard to go back each time because it was like a piece of the life I didn't get. The kids going to my PARENTS house for holidays, me having a "childhood home," etc.  If it wasn't for Facebook, I would have no idea where all of my long lost high school friends ended up.

I guess I am one of those that needs to physically move on to move on. I took Lily to a birthday party for her "bff" whose mom was my "bff" prior to divorce. I was hesitant to take her since I hadn't seen these people in so long but she really wanted to go. I ended that day in tears. It was like walking into my life as it was a little over a year ago. The people I was so close to that I no longer see, the kids I no longer see, the neighborhood I no longer am a part of...the life of the stay at home mom that I gave up to find happiness in my heart. It was draining. Emotionally draining. But...it is life. And you move on.

I was told the other day by someone else that once loved me that I sound unstable in my blog. I beg to differ...I am more stable than I have ever been. And I am finally strong enough to face my feelings and live life to the fullest. I am human. I have flaws. I also have strengths. I am not ashamed to share my thoughts...that's all they are, my thoughts. I am just one little person trying to get by and be a good example to my little girls. And I think I am doing a pretty damn good job considering they are both independent and strong.

So, I am going to drag my ass to get a bagel and then go upstairs and run it off. Maybe.

The Wish...

We are finally settling in to this new life...all three of us. We were at the mall the other day with some neighborhood friends and we were about to go eat pizza all together. In front of the pizza place is a huge pond. The kids were all running around the pond playing and laughing. They came up and asked my friend and me if they could have a penny to throw in. We handed each one a penny and told them to make a wish. Lily tugged on my elbow so I leaned down to hear what she had to say. She said, "Mommy, I am not going to wish for a cure this time since I love my pump so much...I actually kinda like diabetes now." I gave her a hug and told her I thought that was great and wish for something special!

I didn't know whether to cry that she even thinks of that or to drop to my knees and thank GOD that she is back to such a positive place. It has been a long road for Lily to come to terms with her disease this year. It has been so hard on her. But I am so proud that she is such a strong, brave little girl and that she is capable of allowing herself to have the feelings she has and deal with them in HER way. She is truly the most amazing little being. Just amazing.

On a side note, I heard today that a lot of organizations have a "Sib Group." A group for siblings of the child with the chronic disease. Wow...what a great idea!! My wheel's are turning now...

The Guilt of the Working Mom...

Lily's words ripped a piece of my heart yesterday. Just a little tear that will heal, but a tear nonetheless. This is the first summer that I have not been home with my kids. The first summer that they don't wake up with me, eat every meal with me, swim every day with me, and lay with me at night before bed. I have been 100% available to my little girls since they were growing little seeds in my womb.

With divorce came a loss of being a stay at home mom. The luxury of being the sole person that witnesses every little smile and smirk on those beautiful little lips is now gone...and that is so hard. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with emotionally. I enjoy working and it has been nice to use my knowledge and education and everything I worked hard for prior to children. However, I also really, really enjoyed being just a mommy from dawn until dusk and then some. I don't have a choice in this matter anymore and neither do the girls.

So, yesterday, I had planned for the girls to give the dogs a special tick bath (don't even GET me started on the tick situation) in the backyard with the sitter. I figured this would be another fun activity for them to do with her. The sitter called me at work and said, "Lily doesn't want to wash the dogs. She said, 'I never get to do fun stuff with mommy anymore so I want to do it with her. I only do fun stuff with sitters since she's always at work.' " And there you have the tear...the tear that sent me literally flying home from work at 5:00 on the dot. The tear that led me to a glass of wine with a friend while the girls had an impromptu playdate. The tear that had all three of us drenched in the backyard chasing down the terrified and severely pissed off dogs. The tear that had me watch them sleep for a very long time while I tried to figure out a way to be home with them and make money...to no avail, of course.

The only thing I can do is what I did...explain to their curious little faces and big, huge eyes that Mommy has to work so that we can do all the fun stuff we do. I have to work so that they can get a good education, have food, birthday parties, etc. I told them I miss them every second I am at work and they can call me anytime they are missing me. I reminded them that we have fun from the time I am off on Friday evening until they go see their dad on Sunday night. I kissed them, hugged them, cuddled them and told them I love them. And then I went to work.

The Hand You Are Dealt...

 Matthew's birthday dinner

It's no mystery that life is hard. We are dealt with cards that are sometimes seemingly perfect and full of optimism and hope. Sometimes, we are dealt with cards that are hard to read and even hard to hold on to. Like a diagnoses, for example. Or a death. Or a divorce. It is important, I think, to accept the cards that you have, whatever they may be.

So, that is where I woke up emotionally this morning. I am utterly, ridiculously, in love with someone that is not perfect. We are not in a perfect situation. We have been dealt a hand of cards that are challenging at times, hurtful at times, frustrating and hard to hold on to. All because of one thing...distance. If it weren't for 1000 miles, we would be the most blissfully happy couple in the world. Sure, we had a rocky start, middle and almost end. But...I feel like we are connected in a way that you don't find often, if ever. To sever that connection does nothing but make me feel like half of a person. You see, not only is our hand all of the things above, it is also comforting, peaceful when we are actually together, loving, and a little piece of Heaven in my eyes.

I can't, don't want to, and won't give up on this love. I don't know how I am going to make it through the rest of this distance but I am optimistic this morning that we will make it together in one piece, holding hands. God willing...


On a side note, Lily is doing amazingly well on her PING! She feels very special to have it and thinks it is very, very cool. Now if only we could get those pesky numbers under control! Lots of changes to be made. We got an email from the Animas CDE with some good, aggressive suggestions so we shall see!