I have always wondered which event that Eric and I created, would traumatize my children. Well, that event happened this morning. Lily woke up AGAIN, second day in a row, with ketones over 3.5. I checked her BG at 4:00 AM and she was 175 so I went back to bed...happily. My alarm went off at 6 so I could get ready for work before the girls get up at 7. I strolled into her room at 7 and carried her to the living room, as we do every morning. I then went back for the little redhead and carried her out. Lily immediately started asking for water and my heart sank. I checked and she was 387 with high ketones. I was baffled. TWO mornings in a row, seriously?
I got a needle and got ready to inject her so I could actually SEE the insulin go into her body. She was not happy...and that is putting it mildly. So, I called my ex husband for reinforcement. I told Lily we were going to have to change her pod and put it on her tummy. Did I mention that she will ONLY wear it on her arm these days and she is getting some lipodystrophy because we aren't alternating sites enough? So...she starts whining and whimpering and telling me that it is NOT going on her tummy. No matter what. I, of course, being her mother and in charge of appropriate behavior from her, am getting more and more annoyed at this little attitude. I choose to wait for Eric before I lose my temper.
Eric gets there and Lily goes into a tail spin. She is screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, kicking, trying to bite me, flailing her arms all over the place. I was envisioning an Exorcism at this point. What the hell had possessed my child? We actually...and yes, I am admitting this to the entire DOC in hopes of no one else trying this at home...pinned her down, without a shirt, while we inserted her pod in her tummy. Meanwhile, she is biting, scratching, kicking, crying and clearly stating that she wants to die. Yes, my 6 year old wishes she was dead. She does not want diabetes, she hates herself, hates her family, hates God, and hates that I won't kill her so she can go to Heaven. I have been hearing a lot of this lately and it breaks my heart into smaller pieces with every word. We screamed, we yelled, we blamed her for being late to work, etc.
I am NOT proud of this morning. Eric is not proud of this morning. We officially have made the one event she will clearly remember as her parents losing it and being horrible to her. And we can't take it back. It's out there already and cannot be undone. I talked to her endo today at length (helps to work in the building) and he thinks she is internalizing and this is her way of dealing with our divorce. To him, she obviously thinks she is the reason for the split. That her having diabetes is why her mommy and daddy split up. How was this not obvious to us? We have been so self-involved that we have been blind.
So, Lily...if you ever Google your mommy in your lifetime and find this blog...you are NOT the reason for this split, diabetes is NOT the reason for this split...you have done nothing wrong and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. Sometimes grown ups screw up and sometimes grown ups just can't live together but there is NO reason we can't be better parents. We are so sorry.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Cutting the Cord...
Therapy. I am the one that needs it probably. More of it anyway. For now, I am my own therapist...until I get on my feet. Writing is therapeutic for me. It's why I majored in it...it's why I never did anything with it. It's too personal.
I have realized in the last few weeks that I am maybe as strong as I thought, but not as unharmed. This has affected me. This divorce. This disease. This life. I am not made of stone. And let me tell you, once those flood gates opened...they opened.
I have come to some conclusions lately about myself. Some think I think too much...I think that I need to. I need to in order to live the life that I want for myself and my girls. I have discovered that nobody can satisfy the depth of emotion I am feeling right now. I cannot expect that of anyone. I always thought that I had no expectations, that I was easy to be with...I have discovered I am so far from easy. I am complex, I am multifaceted, I do not have any shade of black or white...only grey. Nothing with me is certain, nothing can be explained. I am in a constant state of change right now. I wake up every morning learning something new and trying to fix something old. I am insecure, I am not brave, I am sad, I am heartbroken for the life I chose to leave. I find myself looking at people's hands when I am at a stop light and realizing I no longer have a ring. And I don't know if I ever will again. I am honest when I say that I don't mind being alone. It has never bothered me. I am not honest when I say I am not scared of being alone forever. Is anyone?
One thing I do know is that I cannot be broken when I present myself to someone. I need to get myself centered. I don't want to impose my needs on someone, but find out what they are and why I need them. There is no Knight in Shining Armour. It isn't possible. I cannot be saved...I am not going to keep asking that.
I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to learn to trust my instincts, to know my worth, to understand what I need out of life. I am going to realize finally what is right for me and what is not. I have to accept this. It is not defeat if something does not work out. It is part of life.
I am so confident and aggressive when it comes to certain parts of my life but love has never been one of them. I think this comes from what I saw growing up...or didn't see. This is why I want my children to see the healthiest of relationships. I don't want my girls to ever settle. I want them to be strong enough to let someone come to them...to let someone show their love instead of them constantly showing their hand.
Hopefully, I can listen to my own words. There are people in my life I don't want to lose.
I have realized in the last few weeks that I am maybe as strong as I thought, but not as unharmed. This has affected me. This divorce. This disease. This life. I am not made of stone. And let me tell you, once those flood gates opened...they opened.
I have come to some conclusions lately about myself. Some think I think too much...I think that I need to. I need to in order to live the life that I want for myself and my girls. I have discovered that nobody can satisfy the depth of emotion I am feeling right now. I cannot expect that of anyone. I always thought that I had no expectations, that I was easy to be with...I have discovered I am so far from easy. I am complex, I am multifaceted, I do not have any shade of black or white...only grey. Nothing with me is certain, nothing can be explained. I am in a constant state of change right now. I wake up every morning learning something new and trying to fix something old. I am insecure, I am not brave, I am sad, I am heartbroken for the life I chose to leave. I find myself looking at people's hands when I am at a stop light and realizing I no longer have a ring. And I don't know if I ever will again. I am honest when I say that I don't mind being alone. It has never bothered me. I am not honest when I say I am not scared of being alone forever. Is anyone?
One thing I do know is that I cannot be broken when I present myself to someone. I need to get myself centered. I don't want to impose my needs on someone, but find out what they are and why I need them. There is no Knight in Shining Armour. It isn't possible. I cannot be saved...I am not going to keep asking that.
I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to learn to trust my instincts, to know my worth, to understand what I need out of life. I am going to realize finally what is right for me and what is not. I have to accept this. It is not defeat if something does not work out. It is part of life.
I am so confident and aggressive when it comes to certain parts of my life but love has never been one of them. I think this comes from what I saw growing up...or didn't see. This is why I want my children to see the healthiest of relationships. I don't want my girls to ever settle. I want them to be strong enough to let someone come to them...to let someone show their love instead of them constantly showing their hand.
Hopefully, I can listen to my own words. There are people in my life I don't want to lose.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Those Damn D's
My life has been inundated with D's...diabetes, divorce, Dexcom, delusional, desperate...you name it. It starts with a "d." Well, I am Done. Take that...letter D. I am Done.
My almost 7 year old has diabetes. She has had diabetes for 3 years now. She did really well the first couple of years and seemed to handle things like a pro. That is, until this spring. This spring, Lily decided she hated diabetes. She simply did not want it anymore. At this same time, I was realizing that I was not a happily married person and some changes were going to occur.
Lily had started wearing Dexcom. That was the catalyst for her. Dex was just too much. She now no longer wears it. Since this spring, Lily has decided she wants to be a boy. She has stopped wearing dresses, no longer takes dance, wants to play football, and has taken a liking to boys briefs. We have struggled to let her make choices and to have her feel comfortable with who she is. Problem is, she doesn't know who she is and is very lost. She says she wishes she was a boy. She doesn't feel comfortable in her body. What do you say to that? Therapy? Already got a call in.
It is my Duty as her mother to show her how to cope. She has been Dealt a set of cards that no child her age should have to Deal with. She is having a hard time with this Damn Disease and this Damn Divorce. She is doing her best to stay strong and not fall apart. She is like her mother and father that way...refusing to ever give in to Defeat. This kids has no chance of ever being a victim. It's simply not in her genes. And we will not allow it.
Diabetes is like a song that is playing softly in the background while you are busy living life. It is at times mellow and barely there but when the chorus picks up, it is loud and deafening to sensitive ears. It stays that way for a while and then goes back to it's mellow tune...only to keep playing the chorus when you least expect it. I wish it would stop so my little girl could hear the laughter, wind, birds and silence...with no interruptions, like other kids do.
My almost 7 year old has diabetes. She has had diabetes for 3 years now. She did really well the first couple of years and seemed to handle things like a pro. That is, until this spring. This spring, Lily decided she hated diabetes. She simply did not want it anymore. At this same time, I was realizing that I was not a happily married person and some changes were going to occur.
Lily had started wearing Dexcom. That was the catalyst for her. Dex was just too much. She now no longer wears it. Since this spring, Lily has decided she wants to be a boy. She has stopped wearing dresses, no longer takes dance, wants to play football, and has taken a liking to boys briefs. We have struggled to let her make choices and to have her feel comfortable with who she is. Problem is, she doesn't know who she is and is very lost. She says she wishes she was a boy. She doesn't feel comfortable in her body. What do you say to that? Therapy? Already got a call in.
It is my Duty as her mother to show her how to cope. She has been Dealt a set of cards that no child her age should have to Deal with. She is having a hard time with this Damn Disease and this Damn Divorce. She is doing her best to stay strong and not fall apart. She is like her mother and father that way...refusing to ever give in to Defeat. This kids has no chance of ever being a victim. It's simply not in her genes. And we will not allow it.
Diabetes is like a song that is playing softly in the background while you are busy living life. It is at times mellow and barely there but when the chorus picks up, it is loud and deafening to sensitive ears. It stays that way for a while and then goes back to it's mellow tune...only to keep playing the chorus when you least expect it. I wish it would stop so my little girl could hear the laughter, wind, birds and silence...with no interruptions, like other kids do.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Been A While...
I haven't written lately because I've been having a hard time finding the right words. My life has taken a 180 degree turn...in zero time. I went from married, stay at home mom of two, to divorced, full time working mom...all in a month's time frame. Crazy how that happens...at lightning speed. And at my own doing. I am happy. I am happier than I was. That is for sure. But it's weird. Diabetes is not my sole reason for waking up each day. I have actually thought about ME. Thought about what I want out of life for me and my kids. It is bittersweet. It feels good to care about myself but there is guilt for not only thinking about my kids. It's crazy. I promised myself that if I started blogging, I would be honest and raw. So I am.
I feel like a little bird that is trying to fly for the first time. I get out there and try to spread my wings, hoping I won't crash and burn, yet I do again and again. I am determined to learn to fly so I keep pulling myself back up...but it is exhausting. And heartbreaking. I know I will spread my wings and soar but it is going to take time. I need to take care of myself first or I am no good to my kids. I need to remember what it is that I want out of life, and need, and not settle for less. It is important to show my girls that you don't give up, or give in. You have to be strong and fight for what you believe in.
Lily really needs to learn this because she has been dealt a very specific deck of cards...ones that will be forever changing and cause her a lot of ups and downs in her life. She needs to have a good role model...someone to look up to you. Someone that she can say always went after what she wanted and got it...if it was good for her...but turned away from something that wasn't. She needs to know that she is loved and that she is not different. She is just a very strong little girl. I need to get my focus back.
I feel like a little bird that is trying to fly for the first time. I get out there and try to spread my wings, hoping I won't crash and burn, yet I do again and again. I am determined to learn to fly so I keep pulling myself back up...but it is exhausting. And heartbreaking. I know I will spread my wings and soar but it is going to take time. I need to take care of myself first or I am no good to my kids. I need to remember what it is that I want out of life, and need, and not settle for less. It is important to show my girls that you don't give up, or give in. You have to be strong and fight for what you believe in.
Lily really needs to learn this because she has been dealt a very specific deck of cards...ones that will be forever changing and cause her a lot of ups and downs in her life. She needs to have a good role model...someone to look up to you. Someone that she can say always went after what she wanted and got it...if it was good for her...but turned away from something that wasn't. She needs to know that she is loved and that she is not different. She is just a very strong little girl. I need to get my focus back.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Ketones...
I hate ketones. Hate them. This past day has been crazy. Lily was 146 at dinner last night. She didn't want to finish it all so I tried to make up for it with a scoop of ice cream. She was 308 at bed time. I checked at 10:30, still in the 300's so I gave .2 units and went to bed. At 2 AM, still in the 300's, no ketones, gave another .2 and went to bed. This morning? 328 with 1.4 ketones. Gave her insulin and waited an hour. She was then 350 with 1.8 ketones. UGH! Damn Omnipod. I changed her Pod, gave her a shot, fed her breakfast and moved on.
I had some work to do so when she asked me for a yogurt for snack, I obliged assuming she would bolus herself as usual. Well, I am home with both girls and all three of us have a little cold. I guess we were both forgetful and she ate a 13 gram yogurt with no bolus. Great. So, I checked her about 30 minutes later and got the lovely HIGH reading. No ketones. At least the Pod is working now. She is now 425 and it's been 1.5 hours so who knows how high she was.
Days like this are annoying and hard to read. I'm sure the insulin will stack and she will drop low later. The whole day is screwed up. I guess you just hop on and ride the roller coaster out since there is no other alternative. It is part of the process with this disease. At least today I can pinpoint what the problem is: a mommy with too much on her mind!! We do the best we can in any given situation! I'll cut myself some slack these days! Moving on!
I had some work to do so when she asked me for a yogurt for snack, I obliged assuming she would bolus herself as usual. Well, I am home with both girls and all three of us have a little cold. I guess we were both forgetful and she ate a 13 gram yogurt with no bolus. Great. So, I checked her about 30 minutes later and got the lovely HIGH reading. No ketones. At least the Pod is working now. She is now 425 and it's been 1.5 hours so who knows how high she was.
Days like this are annoying and hard to read. I'm sure the insulin will stack and she will drop low later. The whole day is screwed up. I guess you just hop on and ride the roller coaster out since there is no other alternative. It is part of the process with this disease. At least today I can pinpoint what the problem is: a mommy with too much on her mind!! We do the best we can in any given situation! I'll cut myself some slack these days! Moving on!
Friday, September 3, 2010
The numbers...
I am shocked that Lily's numbers have not faltered through this separation/divorce. It baffles me. The child can have a tantrum and shoot all the way up to 400, quickly. Her mom and dad shake her whole world? Perfect numbers. Hmmm...I wonder if that is a sign of how stressed she was prior to this?
I watch her and pray that she doesn't think any of this has to do with her diabetes because it doesn't. Our problems started pre-marriage and just went from there. It is not about her. Or Abby. They are the best things in this world and the reason that Eric and I were meant to be together for the time we were! Diabetes adds stress to a marriage for sure but it certainly didn't cause the demise in mine!
The other part that has been somewhat tricky is figuring out how we are going to care for her separately. We have been working on a system with her logs and supplies that seems to be working so far. I am confident that everything will work out as it supposed to be. It has to for the girls.
We are off this weekend to the beach as a family...all four of us. We are going to a friend's beach house to relax, have fun, and enjoy a much-needed break. We promised the girls we are still a family and that's just not changing. So, I am looking forward to spending time all together! Happy Labor Day!
I watch her and pray that she doesn't think any of this has to do with her diabetes because it doesn't. Our problems started pre-marriage and just went from there. It is not about her. Or Abby. They are the best things in this world and the reason that Eric and I were meant to be together for the time we were! Diabetes adds stress to a marriage for sure but it certainly didn't cause the demise in mine!
The other part that has been somewhat tricky is figuring out how we are going to care for her separately. We have been working on a system with her logs and supplies that seems to be working so far. I am confident that everything will work out as it supposed to be. It has to for the girls.
We are off this weekend to the beach as a family...all four of us. We are going to a friend's beach house to relax, have fun, and enjoy a much-needed break. We promised the girls we are still a family and that's just not changing. So, I am looking forward to spending time all together! Happy Labor Day!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Dex is alive...
Dex is alive. It has survived the second drowning. I have not yet put it back on Lily though. The thing is, she keeps getting a horrible rash from it. I am beginning to wonder if Dex is doomed and I am not reading the signs??
First, Dex goes for a swim with Lily during her practice. Second, I drown Dex in the gentle cycle. Dex revives. Lily hates Dex and we go to therapy, we go to conferences, we go everywhere that will convince her Dex is good. Then, I drown Dex again. Dex takes a week hanging out in rice but is working. The whole time, Dex is causing a major skin reaction on her tushie. What am I to do with this damned Dex?
Now that I am here alone at night with her I really want Dex back. Maybe if I try a new spot she won't have a reaction. Lily still wears a pull up at night because when she goes high, she pees. It doesn't wake her even after she goes. So, I am wondering if Dex and urine are not mixing well and thus, the rash on the skin.
Never a dull moment in this world of diabetes.
First, Dex goes for a swim with Lily during her practice. Second, I drown Dex in the gentle cycle. Dex revives. Lily hates Dex and we go to therapy, we go to conferences, we go everywhere that will convince her Dex is good. Then, I drown Dex again. Dex takes a week hanging out in rice but is working. The whole time, Dex is causing a major skin reaction on her tushie. What am I to do with this damned Dex?
Now that I am here alone at night with her I really want Dex back. Maybe if I try a new spot she won't have a reaction. Lily still wears a pull up at night because when she goes high, she pees. It doesn't wake her even after she goes. So, I am wondering if Dex and urine are not mixing well and thus, the rash on the skin.
Never a dull moment in this world of diabetes.
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