Smiles

Sitting listening to the wind blowing through the trees in the backyard is so peaceful. The rain is tapping lightly on the enormous windows...the house is silent. Not a sound to be heard. The dogs are all asleep, the cat is in hiding somewhere and I am here alone. I don't want to move. I want to lay here all day and listen to these sounds.

I haven't remembered to stop this week. A promise I made to myself months ago...stop and relax. Enjoy the moments. You can't have those moments back.

I can feel myself smiling from the inside out today. Those are the best kind of smiles...the ones that start in your heart and soul and work their way through your veins until they reach the corners of your mouth. The warm smiles...they warm your soul. Those are the smiles that count. Those are the smiles that let you know you are so happy in your life. The smiles that make you feel blessed.

I am so not alone in my life. I have someone by my side that has fought so hard for me. And loved me like I have never been loved before. I can conquer anything with him by my side and he will always make sure that I do...the moments that I think that I can't, he reminds me of who I am.

I can be the strongest woman I know how to be.  I get that strength from the innocence I see in my children's eyes and the innate need to fiercely protect them from all things. I am blessed to have been given the enormous amount of tenacity that my parents passed to me. It's how I make it through all of life's challenges that get thrown my way.

Through love you can do it all. There's that warm smile again...

Fear

Fear is fearful in itself. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unbearable truths we do know. Fear of failure. Fear of loss. This last one is hard for me. I am going to paint a picture for you of what goes on behind closed doors. These closed doors lead to my thoughts which ultimately make up my imagination. An imagination that is so vivid it is hard to control. It's hard to control because of the fear of the unbearable truths I know too well...

People die. It is part of life. We spend our lives trying to live to the fullest so that when we do die, we have no regrets and have left our mark. I try not to be morbid. I try not to let my imagination go wild on me and play out all of the scenarios of losing our battle to diabetes. I do a pretty good job of this but sometimes, those fears creep in and take over my thoughts. The truth is there is something called Dead In Bed with diabetics. They just die for no reason that is known as of yet. There is a fear of Lily dropping too low and having a seizure. I am aware of all of these and honestly, I go days and months without it bothering me or being overly fearful of this. The statistics of this actually happening are on our side. Like I said before, there are times that my imagination goes astray. It is usually when she is not under my roof that this happens. It's a fear of not having her here to care for. So what should be a night of fun, a sleepover party, is a night that includes some fear. What if tonight is the night that something happens? My mind goes there. It is too painful and I bring it back.

I can't imagine just dropping my child off at someone's house to spend the night and just going on about my night. It's such a far reality from our life. So when I couldn't reach her this morning....the fear took over completely. I think I woke the entire house up where she was. Early. I had to though. What if she wasn't okay?

Imagination can be cruel. The thoughts that go on behind these closed doors are haunting and desperate. They are cruel and well, unimaginable. But they are real. They are part of the life of a mother of a diabetic child. Luckily, they don't visit me often and they leave as soon as they come. And now my baby is here in my house. Under my roof. Safe and breathing life as we speak. Life is good and precious and fragile and I love every second of it with her here by my side.

How cute is she to send me this picture so I know how big the pizza is when I'm not there?

Little Foots

I lay awake at night thinking about little foots. The best part of a baby is the little foots. I am so excited to be a mommy again...and this time to a little boy. I never really wanted a boy until I found out I was having one. I was surprised that I was so incredibly thrilled for this little man to come into my life. So excited.

Little foots running around my house. Little foots stretching in the footed PJ's. Yes...I have a fetish for little feet. I can't wait to meet the miracle inside of me. He is such a comfort each and every day. He hates seatbelts. He hates the elastic in maternity pants. He doesn't like it when I lean over too far. I am guessing that he is not going to enjoy being restrained at all once he is born. As soon as I put my seatbelt on, I get poked and kicked for the entire ride in the car. If I am wearing maternity pants, he pokes and kicks while I sit.

He has just started playing with his daddy this week. If Matt puts his hand on my growing belly, after a minute or so, he gets a nudge. Matt will nudge back and wait...and he gets another nudge. He will be playful. We are both already so in love with our little boy.

It's been a long, at times very sad, journey for both of us to get to this point. What a true blessing. I can't wait to see his sisters the first time they meet him. He is all they talk about. What a lucky little guy he is. What a lucky little family we are.

Innocence

There is truly nothing in this world like the love you feel for a child. They are a reflection of hope and dreams and what life is about. Their innocence is so pure. If there is truly anywhere on Earth that you see a form of God, it's in the eyes of a child.

Something happens in life that hardens you as you get older. Maturity. Along with maturity comes life's disappointments, heartbreaks, losses, and so much more. You learn from these events and you either choose to rise above them or stay the victim they once made you.

I see life happening to my daughter Lily and I can't stop it. It is the hardest thing I have to face as a parent. I can't stop her little body from fighting against itself. First, with Type 1 diabetes and now with Celiac Disease. She has become stronger for it and for that, I am proud. She has maintained a positive attitude all through this. I am the one falling apart piece by piece. She doesn't know this and she never will. It's a sense of failure that I have. It is beyond my control to put an end to the constant disease in her life. All I can do is show her that this is not the end of the world (it's just a diet change) and that she will be healthier because of it. What is breaking my heart is the fact that this is one more thing to add to her little life plate forever. Forever. I hate that word...it's part of the constant stream in my head. Forever. Fuck you forever. We need to find cures for these diseases.

There is a poem that floats around Facebook periodically about God choosing a child to have diabetes and giving that child the perfect mother to care for her. People find comfort in these words and this idea that God gave their child diabetes. My God doesn't hand out diseases to innocent children. What about the children that have diabetes that don't have parents? Or live somewhere that insulin is not readily available? Did God say "Screw you child...you will be the one to suffer. You don't deserve the perfect mother." It makes no sense to me. Children get diseases as a direct result of life on Earth. It's part of the process of living but Lily was not chosen to fight this disease every day forever by our God. I don't believe that for a second. However...God gave us the strength and will to live a happy life and rise above these diseases.

Life is happening to Lily. At a rapid rate. She is 9 years old. She is starting to experience being left out with friends frequently. She has had to endure the loss of a possible little sister (I'm not quite ready for that post yet). She has been through two diagnoses of diseases. She is learning where to put those feelings she has about this and how to articulate them. All I can do is listen and help guide her. I don't want her to suppress anything. I did for years and years and still struggle not to do so now. With the diabetes diagnosis, I cried once for about a minute and then I plowed forward. The mourning didn't catch up with me for three years after another traumatic life event. This time, I am acknowledging my feeling of loss and fear and I am accepting it, allowing it, and with every day...moving past it. I don't want her heart weighted down.

Yes, I look into my child's eyes and I see the innocence fading some. I guess all parents do regardless of disease or heartache or anything else. It's growing up. It's inevitable and it's a beautiful and sad thing for a mother.

Life Lessons

I read online today that the teenager that was sent to jail for 30 days was released after a tearful apology to the judge that she disrespected. What he did worked. She was held accountable for her actions. It was probably the first time in her life she was held accountable for anything.

I can't imagine ever having behaved that way. There was a certain Fear of God when it came to my parents. My father especially. We were taught to be responsible. We were taught to take responsibility for our actions. We were taught to be respectful. Most importantly, we were taught that there are consequences for our actions. This is a lesson that must be given when parenting. It has to. If it isn't, decisions might be made by our children that can't always be undone by a simple apology.

About two weeks ago, Lily told us that Abby had stolen a cube from a teacher at school. It was a little plastic cube that is used as a manipulative in math. When Lily learned what Abby did, she took the cube from Abby and walked it back to the teacher and told her that Abby had taken it. As I'm sure you can imagine, Abby was very upset that her sister sold her out. When I learned of this, the world had a slight shift. I was absolutely furious. Furious and determined that this child would never steal again.

When I got home from work, Abby and I sat down and wrote an apology letter to the teacher. Abby cried the entire time. And whined. And complained about Lily telling on her. We had a very long, very firm discussion on why you don't steal and what happens when you do. She was afraid the teacher may call the police. My intent was not to scare her but to make her understand that this was not a behavior that can be undone as an adult. We talked about it for a long time. She was even more upset that I was taking her to school in the morning and walking with her to this teacher's classroom to hand deliver the note and give an apology in person.

I am hoping that Abby learned a valuable lesson and she will remember this. I am hoping that she will understand that there are severe consequences for breaking the law. I am hoping that she will learn that if she were ever to find herself in front of a judge period, AND was disrespectful to this judge, that facing me might be worse. I love my girls. I am their friend. BUT...I am also their mother and it is my job to mold them and teach them how to be good, solid, contributing members of society. It is my job to lead them by example on how you behave and live a good life. A little Fear of God is a good thing in my opinion. It only took me over 30 years to get what my parents were trying to do.

Balance

Words. My head is a constant stream of thought. It is exhausting and empowering and passionate and therapeutic. I have taken breaks from writing and as always, I reach a point of explosiveness and I do what I always do, turn to words. It's the only way to calm the storm.

I don't make decisions well. I teeter-totter through the thought process. I can convince myself that every possible view is the right one. It isn't usually until I sit down and write about it that I get clarity. I feel like I am constantly looking for the perfect recipe for my life. The perfect balance between work, family, love, leisure, and everything else. As soon as I think I have my happy spot and I have everything in just the right measurements, something shifts. Life throws something at me that throws me off balance. Then the searching begins again for the perfect recipe.

I have written my entire life. It is ingrained in every ounce of my being. I have a box of journals in my garage. I started when I could start writing. It is so enlightening to read through my childhood journals. I have been able to read through journals that described in detail my every thought about my parents marriage that ultimately led to their divorce. I have a true glimpse into my relationship with my sister and how much I looked up to her...and needed her. There are endless words about friendships and just growing up. It has made me remember everything with more clarity and it has helped me understand how I became who I am. What a gift I gave to myself.

So I sit here writing again. Another balance shift in our lives. I know things are going to be okay. I have never fallen and not gotten up. I have never watched someone I love fall and not helped them up. It's not an option. Things will be okay. But it's another shift. It's another thing to learn and accept and conquer. So, I take to words to help me release some of the worry and angst.

Celiac Disease. These words are the constant stream for now. I am not able to balance until I know for sure that this is our new normal...until I know for sure that Lily is okay with all of this. Only time will tell and for now all I can do is wait until all of the testing is complete and at that point, I can work on finding the balance again.

Five Years...

 I can't believe it's been five years. It feels like so much longer...much, much longer than five years.

I will never forget that weekend. It was the weekend of the Greek Festival and we had been very busy. We spent that Thursday evening with friends at the Festival dancing, singing...and taking multiple trips to the Port-A-Potty. Lily went through a few sippy cups of water that night. She was dancing like any crazy 3-year-old would when there's a live band. It was 100 degrees. I didn't think much of it.

I had been telling my friends that she had been tugging at her panties all week. Her Mother's Day Out teacher had mentioned it and her grandmother had as well. They suggested I take her to the pediatrician the next morning to see if anything was going on. So, we got up that Friday morning and headed to the doctor. I told him about the panties and that I was concerned she had a yeast infection maybe. He checked her externally and sent us home. He didn't find anything wrong.

That evening, I told Lily's dad about the visit. He was upset that he didn't do a urine test since she may have a urinary tract infection. I had never mentioned the multiple trips to the bathroom and the excessive thirst from the night before. It didn't seem out of the ordinary to me except in hindsight after her diagnoses.

We woke up that Saturday morning and got ready for a birthday party. We made what we thought would be a pit stop at the pediatrician to have a urine test done. I spent a LONG time trying to get my toddler to pee in a cup. I was frustrated. She was frustrated. We sat and waited for what seemed like an eternity for the results to come back. We were late for the party now and I was not happy. Lily sat in her leotard playing quietly. The doctor came in with a sullen look on her face. She said that Lily had high levels of glucose in her urine which usually meant type 1 diabetes. My ears got all fuzzy. I couldn't make out what she was saying. Diabetes? What had I fed her for breakfast? Did she have a lot of sugar? She asked about excessive thirst and urine...my mind went straight to the Greek Festival at this point. Her blood sugar was in the 300's. This wasn't normal. This was high. My mind couldn't process anything. My heart was racing. I knew something very scary and bad was happening at this minute but I didn't understand what. I knew of diabetes but I knew nothing about it. At this point, we were sent to the ER. Her daddy took her while I went home with her almost 1-year-old sister. I waited and waited calling her dad every few minutes for updates.

They sent him home. She had no ketones yet. They sent her home...this still baffles me. Her blood sugar was very high and they sent her home. Space issues. Her daddy brought her home and was angry. He comes from a family of physicians and he knew EXACTLY what was going on. He understood. I was in denial. He had her pee on a ketone stick and it was dark maroon...VERY high ketones present. She was in danger of going into DKA. I only get this now.

He went back to the ER. I got a babysitter and followed. Within a couple of hours, she was admitted and was given a diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Insulin forever. Shots forever. Finger pricks forever. Counting carbs forever. Fear of Dead In Bed Syndrome forever. I didn't shed a tear except once in the shower. A defense mechanism. I had to be her rock. I had to get her through this. I had to make it okay. She was scared and confused and didn't understand why we were hurting her multiple times a day by piercing her skin with needles. It took us a few days to realize that the lancet device (that you check her fingers with) from the hospital was very painful. It was taking two nurses to hold her down while I checked her fingers. How the fuck was I going to do this alone for the rest of our lives? Someone gave me a new "popper" as we called it. She didn't flinch. She was fine. She didn't even wake up when I checked her anymore. Damn hospitals. Damn me for not knowing enough. Things got better from that point on. We did research. We learned how to count carbs. We learned the facts about type 1. We learned that she can lead a normal life. We learned that yes, she can eat cupcakes and pizza at parties. She just needs insulin. She is powered by insulin.

With that, we also learned the fears and worries. We learned that Lily couldn't just go to school anymore. She couldn't be dropped for playdates. We learned that some friends weren't willing to include her in activities because of their fear of the disease...or they didn't want to deal with it. We learned who were true friends as well.

So much has come from diabetes, both good and bad. The bad is obvious...my child has a shitty disease that has a mind of it's own. If you try to control it, you will spend life chasing your tail. If you don't try to control it, you will lose your child. After five years, it is part of my life. It's part of my thoughts. It has become a part of our life that is there and always thought about but not obsessed over anymore. It's part of our routine. The first year or so it was all we did. All we thought about it.

The good...well, Lily is a more mature, passionate, considerate, sympathetic, courageous, and brave little girl because of what she has been through. She thinks life is precious. She is right. She has plans. She has a future. She knows she is special. She is very much her own person. Nothing makes her change who she is. If she meets a friend that she feels isn't a good friend, she quietly moves on. She wants no part of the drama little girls create. She is so confident and that is the best gift this little girl could have. She is a hero to so many people. She chooses to live her life and love her life. She has tons of questions about diabetes and why she has it, why people are sad when their kids get it, etc. There are so many teachable moments as a parent with her. She gets it. She gets life.

Lots to say today. This is always a very emotional day for me. There is a break in my past. I see pictures from our trip to Martha's Vineyard and that is our last vacation before the big D. There's a line in my history. Before diabetes and after. I pray every day that a cure is found but I have to say, I am not always so full of hope. It seems so far off. It is so far off. I have learned to not lean on the hope of a cure too much...I try to focus more on teaching Lily how to LIVE with this and how to keep herself healthy always. I try to teach her how to make good choices. It's working...the kid won't eat fast food and wants to exercise. She thinks being too skinny is a sign of being unhealthy. She sees people that are grossly overweight and she asks me why they made bad choices. Teachable moments. It's a fine line.

Bottom line, I love my baby. I am proud of her. I am proud to be her mother. We are a team. We are closer than close can be. She is my hero.



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Chronicle Blog

I have been writing on my blog for the Houston Chronicle site so you can read there!

http://blog.chron.com/mealmommy/


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To Be Inspired...

 Inspiration: The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative: "flashes of inspiration".

Being inspired is a little flash of life. A reminder that you are ticking and need to keep ticking. I was inspired last night. I kept it quiet while it was happening. I was enjoying a movie but thinking to myself the whole time...acknowledging this pull that was happening. The story was pulling my heart in a direction that it has been pulled so, so, so many times in my life. The Words. A movie about stories that only the deepest and meaningful words can tell. Words travel through my mind incessantly. They stream together into little stories. A poetic journey in my head and heart. I have to write. I love to write. I have a hole in my life when I am not writing. Why have I never REALLY tried this? Fear is why. It's something I love so dearly and if I failed...then what?

So, the movie ends and my love and I go sit down to finish our drinks. He looks at me and says, "Were you thinking what I was thinking the whole time?" I stared at him blankly and said, "No clue. Tell me what you were thinking." He said, "That you need to be writing and that's what's missing. I miss waking up to see what you wrote the night before."

I smiled and almost started crying. I was not surprised at my reaction. One, because it's yet more proof that this is the man I am meant to spend my life with. No one understands me like him. Second, he was so very right. For someone else to validate what I was feeling was very emotional for me. Still is. He has encouraged me to acknowledge this inspiration and to try to overcome my fears and have some fun with it. Words are free. It costs me nothing to try to follow a dream. I have no idea what to write or how to start but I am going to continue to allow myself to tick and find the passion and put it into words.


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It's Official!

 I haven't written a post in SO LONG. I have been so busy traveling and parenting and working...and well, just living life happily.

I read a great post today about letting your children live with diabetes. We have Lily's quarterly appointment in the morning and I am dreading it. I always wonder if her A1C has gone up. How are we doing with her management? Is she at risk for long term complications?

Then, I get on Facebook and see more blue candles. I chose not to change my picture this time. I said a prayer for the family of the last victim of diabetes. And I shut down. It's just too much sometimes to carry all of that worry. I check her several times a night usually and keep on top of her. I am having trouble in the dinner carb counting area and getting her postprandial numbers under control after dinner. That's my current nemesis. But I worry constantly about her teen years. It seems as though a lot of the deaths are happening between the ages of 11-21. I don't know why. It just scares me. So it was nice to read this post and have someone else verbalize what I am feeling most of the time!

On a lighter note...it's official...this D Mama is getting married!!! My love proposed last Friday at the airport in Tucson...on one knee and all in front of the world. It was amazing and romantic and I am just so damn happy! :) I'm excited to get our life started as a hitched couple! Of course...I can't stop staring at the sparkler either. Life is grand my friends.

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Are You Blue?

Today is World Diabetes Day! This day was named as a day of awareness for diabetes. November 14th is also Dr. Banting's birthday, the founder of insulin. So, Happy Birthday to the late Dr. Banting...thanks for keeping my child alive and not giving her a death sentence!

Diabetes rocked our world. Changed it forever. Within a 30 second time frame of hearing that word, diabetes, our world became about numbers. Every thought. Every action. Every breath...literally...became about a number. A number that will keep my child safe and healthy and breathing right next me...living her wonderful, little life.

So, I advocate and make people aware of this disease in hopes of saving other children's lives whose symptoms may go unnoticed. And in hopes of raising money for the research so desperately needed for a cure for my baby and the other 3,000,000 people in our country living with this daily.

Here are the facts, taken from the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation's website.

Fact Sheets: Type 1 Diabetes Facts
Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which the body's immune system attacks and destroys the insulin-producing cells of the pancreas. While its causes are not yet entirely understood, scientists believe that both genetic factors and environmental triggers are involved.
Affects Children and AdultsType 1 diabetes strikes people at any age. It comes on suddenly, causes dependence on injected or pumped insulin for life, and carries the constant threat of devastating complications.
Needs Constant AttentionTo stay alive, people with type 1 diabetes must take multiple insulin injections daily or continually infuse insulin through a pump. They must also test their blood sugar by pricking their fingers for blood six or more times a day. While trying to balance insulin doses with their food intake and daily activities, people with this form of diabetes still must always be prepared for serious hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) and hyperglycemic (high blood sugar) reactions, both of which can be life-limiting and life threatening.
Not Cured By InsulinWhile insulin injections or infusions allow a person with type 1 to stay alive, they do not cure diabetes, nor do they necessarily prevent the possibility of the disease's devastating effects, which may include: kidney failure, blindness, nerve damage, amputations, heart attack, stroke, and pregnancy complications.
Difficult to Manage Despite paying rigorous attention to maintaining a meal plan and exercise regimen and always injecting the proper amount of insulin, people with type 1 diabetes face many other factors that can adversely affect efforts to tightly control blood sugar levels. These factors include stress, hormonal changes, periods of growth, physical activity, medications, illness/infection, and fatigue.
Statistics

• As many as three million Americans may have type 1 diabetes. 1
• Each year, more than 15,000 children and 15,000 adults - approximately 80 people per day - are diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in the U.S.2

Warning Signs
Warning signs of type 1 diabetes may occur suddenly and include:

• Extreme thirst
• Frequent urination
• Drowsiness or lethargy
• Increased appetite
• Sudden weight loss
• Sudden vision changes
• Sugar in the urine
• Fruity odor on the breath
• Heavy or labored breathing
• Stupor or unconsciousness
  Be aware! Wear blue today in honor of our loved ones!!!

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The Lows...

Another life was lost this week. Another family woke up to the harsh reality that they will never hear their child laugh again. They will never walk her down the aisle or hold her hand in a delivery room. She was gorgeous, glowing, in the picture I saw of her. She was a person, I'm sure, with dreams of a future and many, many plans.

It gets harder and harder for me to talk about diabetes and I don't know what is going on with me. It gets harder and harder to write about it. I keep thinking I need a break but I think the realities of diabetes are just too much at times.

I hear people complain all the time. They complain about how hard their lives are...how much they have to handle around the house and how little time they have. I feel like screaming at them, "wake up and realize how lucky you are and quit bitching! You get to sleep at night without thinking your child might die!" I can't figure out if I am bitter or jealous or just fed up...or just really pissed at diabetes lately. I just don't know.

My life is amazing. My children are amazing. They are the biggest love I have ever known. They are so much bigger than life to me. It's indescribable how I feel when I touch them, smell them, hear them, watch them...they are angels. I have to catch my breath a lot when I just sit back and take them in...my girls. They are the most important thing in my world, without a doubt. You become somewhat selfless when you have a child. Everything shifts inside of you. It's awkward and beautiful and comforting and frightening all at the same time. The thought of losing one is just too much.

Because of that, I check her religiously at night. I monitor her numbers closely. If she is a certain number at 10 or 11, I am up at 1. If she is a certain number at 1, I am up at 3. If she is a certain number at 3, I am up at 5. I monitor how much insulin is working in her system and take into account how many carbs and the type of carbs she ate before bed. I think about what she did during the day...did she play hard and exercise a lot because that can cause a severe low at night, many hours later. Is it cold out? Her body works harder to heat itself up and that makes her lower. Do I need to do a temporary setting (basal) on her pump to ensure she stays a bit higher? Do I need to check her ketones if she is too high? And I am doing all of this thinking in the middle of the night so that my child will wake up in the morning.

Two nights ago, I awoke her at 2 AM to change what I thought was a bad site but it was just a miscalculation of carbs at dinner. But I woke her at 2 AM to shove a needle under her tummy while she cried. I then held her while she fell back asleep. I got up two hours later and two hours after that. Then, I was up at 5:30 AM to go to work.

It's grueling but it is my life. I am used to it. The alternative...DEATH...is just not an option so I do it without complaint. We all do...all of us D Moms and Dads (my ex does the same) out there, the Night Stalkers as I like to say.

I want people to know what goes on in the house of a family with a type 1 diabetic. I want you to know so that you can tell people and they will tell people and the word will spread and maybe, just maybe...a cure will come along in Lily's life. That's all I dream of...every second of every day.


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The Ad...

 I edited this post this morning after I reread my rant. Diabetes hits me hard at times. And reading the statistic on the ad hurt. It hit home. It made me feel sick and cry while I laid in my bed last night. No one wants to hear that their child has any sort of chance of EVER dying. BUT...the point of the ad is to raise awareness and get the Artificial  Pancreas and trust me...it's needed.

November is Diabetes Awareness Month. November 14th is World Diabetes Day. I have done nothing this year and this is the first year that I have ignored everything diabetes related. I have been trying to just live our lives and not let this all-consuming disease consume me. I have always had trouble with the all or nothing thing. If I choose to do something, I can't half do it. Not possible for my personality. So, with diabetes, I made it my world. My everything. My job. My mission. My life. I have trouble separating, or balancing, or whatever.

So, I have taken a break from blogging too. Even the Chronicle blog...right after I started it. I have been on overdrive with a new job...with the girls...with my life. And then, I read an email tonight with the JDRF ad for the Artificial Pancreas and I am pissed. I am seriously pissed off. I don't want to know that 1 in 20 people with Type 1 diabetes is going to die from a low blood sugar. I already don't fucking sleep. None of us do. I am so sick of the focus being on death. I want the Artifical Pancreas JUST LIKE EVERYONE. I want the awareness. I want the FDA to approve it. I don't want to hear that my child has a 1 in 20 chance of dying from going low. I can't hear that. I can't understand that. It is too much pain to deal with...it's too much pressure, too much stress.

I want those statistics to change and that is why I support the JDRF. That's why we walked. That's why I adore my chapter here. Something needs to be done to change that statistic. It can be read in a much less scary way...like 5% of those with type 1 will die from hypoglycemia. The 1 in 20 is much more powerful. But I don't ever want to see that ad again and I want to store it away in the "too scary to think about" part of my brain storage.



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Sleepover Update...

 I have been so busy with the new job and the girls that I haven't had any time to write!

So, the sleepover went really, really well. Lily's numbers went from crazy high (580) to perfect all night. The mom checked her frequently, kept in contact with me all night via text, and was just pure awesomeness. Seriously awesome.

I was so thankful that I invited her out for drinks this past week. And I just love her. Adore her. We had so much fun laughing and talking all night. We stayed out too late, drank too much, and became fast friends. She is good people for sure.

And the best part...Lily has a new "BFF." We are reciprocating with a sleepover this Friday so that this little girl can go to the JDRF walk with us. Matt and I are having dinner with their family Friday night first. And...the girls are trick or treating together. I couldn't be happier. Big. Huge. Sigh. Of. Relief. from this D Mama.

What a night that was.

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The Sleepover...

 Tonight is the big night. The sleepover. Aaaaaaccckkkk!!!!

Lily was invited to her first sleepover birthday party and after lots of consideration, a sleepless night, and tons of advice asked from my D friends and D Mamas...I decided to let her go. I spoke with the mother of the child whose party it is and she is happy to check Lily over night. Lily's numbers are never consistent overnight. I just did a basal test over night about a month ago and her basal was fine. Not so much now.

So, we woke up this morning, ate bagels and changed her site. We are still somewhat new to the Animas pump since we switched from the Omnipod and MDI all in this year. I am pushing the site in too hard or something because when I checked Lily about an hour ago...I got a big ol' 508 on the screen. Seriously?? Today?? UGH.

She is still going to the party after a site change, a huge correction, and a waiting it out period to see if she drops.

This is what the Inset looked like when I took it off. Nice. Super duper. Piece of shit disease!

I find myself feeling very envious of the other mothers that are just going to swing on by and drop their children off without a concern of what blood sugars will be doing, carb counting, insulin on board, being checked over night, dropping numbers, etc. etc. etc. She will be fine. Right? She will be fine...

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O.M.G...

 Today is a No D Day, started by Ninjabetic at The B.A.D. Blog, aka George Simmons, and I needed a break today so this is awesome!!

So, last night, we took Lily to Red Lobster because she wanted crab legs to celebrate her special day! I had already decided earlier in the day, and told the girls, that we would be indulging in dessert for our little celebration of a healthy life!

We ate dinner, shared lots of giggles, some great food, a little wine and milk, etc. Once it was dessert time, Lily grabbed the menu and started looking through the pictures. She let out a huge gasp when she looked at the chocolate cake that she had wanted earlier in the day! Look at this picture...

HOLY HELL! Lily couldn't believe how many calories were in this chocolate cake!! Granted...she is more aware of healthy foods than most...and certainly more so than a SEVEN year old, but damn! 1490 calories for a dessert?? So, you count that in addition to the dinner you just had you have probably met TWO days worth of caloric intake for an ADULT. I was flabbergasted (love that word).

The waitress came over and asked what we had decided on. Lily set the menu down and said in a very serious, grown up voice," It is ridiculous and really unhealthy to have a dessert on here that is that bad for you. I will have one small scoop of vanilla ice cream."

I looked at the waitress and said, "We will all have the same." Then, I started giggling. I told her how proud of her I was. She cracks me up! She is so aware of what she puts in her little body and wants to grow into a healthy adult. We talk constantly about how food runs your body, and exercise. I let her indulge on all things but in small amounts. I was totally excited that she made a choice to go with a healthier option all on her own though! So, she and Abby took their time devouring their ice cream and loved every bite!

 Abby

Lily

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Year Four...

 In exactly 43 minutes, it will be Lily's anniversary with diabetes. She was actually hospitalized four years ago today but wasn't given the official diagnoses until October 7th. Some years, this day floats by without a hitch. This year, I sit here in tears, in the dark, in my den. My almost 8 year old is asleep in the room next to me...in my bed. Again. I miscalculated her carbs at lunch and she was high at dinner. So now, I am worried about her numbers overnight and that she might go low. So, I put her in my bed so I can hear her sweet breaths throughout the night. This disease is exhausting. It is all consuming. And it never stops. Ever.

We got home from dinner tonight and Lily was so excited to show me an invitation her new friend at school gave her. She is turning eight next Saturday and invited Lily to a sleepover party. My heart sank. Part of me says to let her go and have fun and be a kid...the other part thinks she is too young, I don't know the parents or the child, and can I keep her safe? So, I am at a crossroads here. My gut is to let her do this and let her be a little girl like the rest of her class. I won't sleep a wink that night and that is okay...but will she be okay? I am pretty sure I will feel this way the entire time she is out from under my roof throughout her life. That in itself is a lot to deal with.

So, I find myself in this dark place every now and again. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I need a good cry and a strong shoulder to lean on. I just need for those around me to understand and to "get it." Life is not all perfect for anyone, diabetes or not. I usually work my ass off to stay positive about our life...it is a great life after all. But guess what? Sometimes diabetes gets the best of me. Sometimes I look at Lily and I just want to literally scoop this disease out of her...and beat the shit out of it. Sometimes I look at her and I think of all of the hurdles she is going to have to face and I want to shield her from it. And I can't. It's life. It's her beautiful, wonderful, imperfect life. The fact that SHE has to live with this forever is what makes me cry. I was staring at her at dinner in amazement at how big she is getting and how smart she is. How beautiful she is. How responsible and mature and loving and sweet. I was playing with her little hand and the tips of her fingers are covered by little holes where I pierce her skin ten times a day. And the severity that I am keeping her alive hits me. And the tears start.

So, we celebrated living a healthy life in spite of diabetes today. I kept it together all day. I was in the shittiest of moods and I didn't know why. I get it now. It hits me sometimes. Plain and simple. It hit me today. It's been four years. Four years of kicking ass and living well. And we will do it again tonight and tomorrow and every day after. I just needed a break to let the emotions flow...



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Twenty Years Too Many...

The day had finally come and I could barely drive to the airport, I was so excited! Not only was I getting to see my amazing boyfriend after a month, I was flying to Reston, Virginia for my twentieth reunion from high school. How did twenty years go by? Wow...And I had not been to Reston in ten years. That is even crazier.

I had the best time while living in Reston. The friends I made in elementary school through high school were just so much fun and we really grew up together...grew into who we are today. There is something so warming about being around people that have known you since before puberty even hit!

We spent the first night at Lakeside Inn saying our hellos for the first time in a decade or more. We spent all day Saturday having some down time and doing some shopping. We then went to the reunion. It was so nice to see everyone! No one has changed, everyone is just as beautiful as they were in high school, and everyone seemed to be happy! That made me very happy...to know that my oldest friends are doing so well. We all have kids, we have all been or are married, and we have all matured into being just adults...there were no feelings of trying to keep up or trying outdo...just plain and simple fun!

For those that don't know...I met Matt in junior high. We then went to high school together but ran in different crowds. We reconnected on Facebook of all things last year and the rest is history. So, it was especially fun to make this trip with him.

Now, I am home and waiting to start my new job on Monday! I am so looking forward to what lies ahead. Things are very exciting right now. I am looking forward to my future and that is SUCH a nice thing!!! Now if only I could get some motivation! This weekend killed me. I am not twenty anymore and don't do late nights well...only to come home to diabetes-induced late nights! I need to catch up!

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A Day of Promotion...

 I have a few favorite things that I want to share just because I'm in that kind of a mood today! I woke up all giddy today...so here goes....

1. Prairie Creations: These are my absolute favorite things. I wear my children's fingerprints around my neck every single day. They send you a mold kit, you make their prints, mail it back and you get your pendants just a short time later. They are very reasonable as well. Shop Here.

 My personal necklace (the M is not part of it)

2. Vidalia Chop Wizard: Matt got me this and I am addicted. I can chop anything very quickly and it doesn't make a mess. It's easy to clean as well. Totally recommend this time saver! Chop Chop.

3. Chan Luu: These are a little pricey but this is my favorite accessory to wear. I can wear my bracelet with jeans and a tank or a fancy dress. I also love to stack my bracelets so I mix this one with all of my other little nuggets. Shop Here!

 My Chan Luu

4. White Noise Machine: I go to sleep at night listening to Ocean Waves. I grew attached to these machines by listening to them over the baby monitors I had for the girls. Now, I can't sleep without it. It is so soothing and it really worked with my girls.
Click here!

5. Posh Blocks: I haven't gotten mine yet but the girl that creates these is making one for me with Lily's name and it will be decorated with the Diabetes Blue Circle. I will post pics as soon as I get mine in the mail! I especially love the Holiday blocks and can't wait to order those! Look them up on Facebook and "Like" the page!

6. Big Buddha: I have had so many of these purses! I used to love the super expensive brand purses until I realized that I like to change my purses out a lot. So, I buy a cheaper version of funkier purses and trade them out often! Shop Here!

7. Simplehuman Sensor Soap Pump: This is a total luxury that Carolyn gave me, but boy do I love it! I just stick my sponge under there and clean, clean, clean. Those of you that know me well know how I love to clean!
Pump Away!

8. Colorix Crayons: These are the prettiest crayons and make all of your children's art stand out. The finished product is perfect for framing since the colors are so bold! See them here!

 By Lily Coan, 2009

That's it for now! Enjoy shopping!!

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Judgement Day...

There has been a word I use repeatedly in my blog...judgmental. This is big for me. Huge. I do not, and will never, understand why people feel the need to judge others actions. I have several people that are close to me that really think they are not opinionated and pass no judgement when in reality, these are the people that are the most opinionated and pass the MOST judgement.

Let me explain my version of judgement. I am not talking about seeing someone in a hideous outfit and making a comment. I think this is something that everyone does. It's human nature. I am talking about looking at decisions that someone you love makes that they feel are good for them, and that you feel are not so you pass judgement. Hardcore judgement. It is wrong. Period.

I have learned a lot in the last few years of my life, from diagnoses of diabetes in my child to this very morning. No one ever knows the full story. No one is privy to all of the facts and information in every relationship and situation. Most importantly, and it has taken some therapy to get this one and is a work in progress, no one knows what is best for you but YOU. My therapist told me last week that I have had some very toxic  people in my life...some very negative, unhappy people that will never fully be happy for me. Therefore, I need to stop seeking advice and looking for approval from them because I will not get what I am aiming for...which is acceptance and understanding. What I consider to be unconditional love. A love that is trusting that you know what is good for you and what is not. I have too much faith in people understanding that when you are angry, you never give the full side of a story. That when you are upset, you vent. So, I made my bed and I will continue to lie in it...but I will do so very quietly.

The one thing that I keep thinking about this morning is how happy I am inside. That's a very strange thing given what is going on in my life right now with work. But I am truly happy. And it is apparently noticed.

I spent Friday primping. I had my usual hair appointment that costs me a damn fortune but I love the lady who cuts my hair so I continue to go...and then I had my wax appointment...same deal. The lady who waxes me has become a friend of sorts. I just love her. I love how chaotic she is and I love that even though her life is a constant mess, she is still just a loving, carefree, sweet, nonjudgmental person. We get pretty cozy during that hour and I've been going to her for over a year so we have definitely shared it all with each other. So, I am laying there and she is asking me what has been going on and I start diving into what has been on my mind with feeling so heavily judged and how upsetting it is that it is changing the way I perceive these relationships now that I have realized what they really are. She stops and looks at me and says, "honey, you are a genuinely happy person. It oozes out of you these days. You are strong and confident and have a good head on your shoulders. I love you coming in because I tell you all of my crazy shit and you just listen." She then started crying. My wax lady has had the roughest of years. She is such a good person. And she has no one believing in her. I am sure she has made tons of mistakes along the way but she tries...hard...to be a good person. And she accomplishes just that.

So, I am working on not forming a "committee" every time a decision is to be made concerning my personal life. I don't need that committee after all. No one knows what I need but me. How many times in your life do you think maybe you have missed out on an opportunity to do something you have really wanted to do because everyone around says it is not good? Do you feel like the people that are doing the heavy judging are really the unhappiest of  people? I feel like these judgements are a reflection of their own unhappiness...and that makes me sad for them. Very sad.


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